


Off My Mind

by koolmcr



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Lesbian Character, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28914630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr
Summary: Dina wonders where Ellie's at. If she's okay. If Cat's gonna be there when they all get back and kiss her hello. She wonders how long will it take for the shock of the sight of them kissing to wear off.
Relationships: Cat/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 87





	Off My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> ideas happen and i keep rolling with it. no timelines, we die like madmen following their writing impulse well into the morning. this isn't as good of a fic tbh

The words cut through Dina's stomach cold. Like being impaled by an icicle, she guesses.

"Yeah, Ellie's my girlfriend now."

Cat smiles as she talks to Jesse, finishing up their stable work for the day. Dina coming to meet up with her boyfriend.

"Yo, that's awesome. I'm glad for you guys."

"Thanks Jess. We should all double date at the diner sometime."

Composing herself in the doorway, she takes her cue.

"Hey babe, you ready to go?"

A light peck as he still has a shovel in his hands. He removes his work gloves.

"Yeah, just about. Hey, did Cat tell you about her and Ellie?"

She tries to not look completely crushed as she turns to Cat.

"No, what's up?"

"Oh, me and Ellie are dating. Like, _officially_."

"That's cool."

"Yep."

The awkward silence is punctuated with Jesse putting all his work shit away. Dina sways, looks at the horses. Her mind is running as she tries to stand still. Eventually Jesse's ready and they bit Cat goodnight.

When they make it to Dina's place, they fuck. She initiates it. She doesn't want to think about Ellie and why it hurts that she's _dating_ Cat.

* * *

The next morning, when they all round up for patrol, she sees Ellie and Cat kissing. Her throat feels like it's closing.

"You alright, kid?" Eugene is setting up his horse. They're gonna run the creek trail. Easy. Simple. Too much time to think.

"Yeah. Just a little cold, my throat's feeling scratchy."

"Mmph. Yeah, winter's coming too fast. Lemme know if I can get ya something for that."

She nods and saddles up, leaves the gate. Absentmindedly riding Japan through the hardening fall leaves.

They don't see any infected.

Dina wonders where Ellie's at. If she's okay. If Cat's gonna be there when they all get back and kiss her hello. She wonders how long will it take for the shock of the sight of them kissing to wear off.

* * *

It's been two months. Two months of Ellie and Cat. And she cannot stand it.

She misses Ellie. So much. She's her best friend. She just wants to show up at her place and watch her play video games, make fun of how bad she is at them and beat the hard parts for her. But now all Ellie's got time for is _Cat_.

And she knows it's stupid, damnit. Ellie never has had a problem with Jesse. They were all friends, sure. But Ellie third wheeled it all the time when they all got close and Dina and Jesse got closer. It was _fine_. But this? She hasn't talked to her in over a week! Oh yeah, she's seen her. She's seen her alright. At the lake with the group, kissing _Cat_. Holding _Cat's_ hand around town. It pisses her off. Some friend Ellie is. It's like she doesn't even care about her. Well fuck that.

Maybe they shouldn't be friends anymore.

She doesn't look for Ellie in the streets after whatever bullshit rotation she's on. She spends her time huddled with Jesse, talking with anyone and everyone at hang outs who isn't Ellie or _Cat_. She catches Ellie looking at her with hurt eyes one day, but she glares back. And Ellie walks on.

* * *

There's a frantic knocking on her door at...what is it, 3 in the morning? Who the fuck could it be?

Dina melts out of bed, grabbing for some shorts on the floor to cover herself up, and goes to open the front door.

"Dina. Have you seen Ellie?"

Joel's hair is messy and his eyes are frantic.

"No. What's going on?"

"She's not at her place, and her friend Cat ain't seen her since this mornin'"

She wants to not care. But if she hasn't been around _Cat_ all day, then maybe something was wrong. Her anger falters. Eyes matching Joel's panic.

"Any idea where she'd be, kiddo?"

"No. No. She didn't say anything to me about going off."

"Goddamn- okay. Thank you Dina. I'm gon' find her."

He shambles away with heavy steps. She lets a few tears slip before shutting the door. She cries every day Ellie doesn't come through the gates.

* * *

Two weeks later, Ellie comes back to Jackson. Joel an hour behind her.

She stays in her apartment if she's not on farm rotation. No patrols after running away. She isn't around town. She isn't with Cat.

Cat tells Jesse that they broke up.

Dina's heart aches for her friend.

* * *

Her feet take her to Ellie's door. She can't stop thinking about her. Well, she never really could.

Fuck, she'd been up Ellie's ass since the girl came into town three years ago. She saw this brave girl, scarred and beaten, but still so wide eyed and open to the world. How could Dina not at least try to get to know her? Ellie was a magnet. A scrappy, shy, weird magnet who took a long time to open up. But that's something Dina liked about her. She had her secrets and her own machinery in her little Ellie mind. She was uniquely her.

But when she knocked and Ellie opened the door, those wide eyes were squinted. Glazed with tears and bloodshot.

"Dina, hey."

"Hey."

They stand in silence. The late winter air making Ellie sneeze.

"Gesundheit."

"Thanks."

"Can I...come in?"

Ellie blinks at that, in a numb shock. "Okay."

Dina walks in and breathes in the place. It's never been clean. She sits on the couch, as Ellie stands in the middle of the room. Always awkward.

"Why are you here?"

Isn't that the question. She missed her friend. She wanted to know she was okay, or at least alive. A part of her wanted to help pick up whatever pieces had fallen and glue them back to Ellie.

"I wanted to see you."

"Why? I haven't talked to you in, what, a month? Two months?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry. Though to be fair, you did disappear for two weeks."

Ellie fiddles with her fingers. Her face angry.

"That's not good enough, Dina."

"Well, what do you want me to fucking say? You were busy with Cat all the time in your little love bubble. I thought it'd be better to just leave you be."

"Why are you pissed at me?! I'm pissed at you!"

Dina stands and moves closer to Ellie, forcing the green eyes to look up.

"You ditched me for your girlfriend. We're best friends, El."

"Well it felt like you ditched me because of her. What, were you jealous that you couldn't fucking annoy me all the time? I had someone else to spend time with?"

Ow. That hurt. A lot.

"Fuck you."

She moves to leave. This was a waste of time.

"No, Dina- wait. I'm sorry."

Ellie grabs her hand and Dina feels like she's being electrocuted. She stops.

"I didn't mean to say that."

"What did you mean to say, then?"

She lets her go, looking down and fiddling with her fingers again.

"Well, El?"

"Can we sit down? I need to think for a second."

Dina sighs and sits back on the couch with a huff, crossing her arms. Ellie sits carefully next to her, gears turning too slowly for Dina's liking.

"Do you really think I'm annoying?"

"Wha- no! No. I'm sorry. That came out wrong."

"Sure."

The seconds are hours as Dina glares at the dumb comics Ellie has on her coffee table. She wants to fucking leave.

"Me and Cat broke up."

"I heard."

"Oh."

Ellie just cannot fill the silence. Dina doesn't want to.

"Dina, I'm sorry."

What is she even sorry for anymore? Calling her annoying? Ditching her? Having her wake up in the middle of the night and worry for weeks if she was alive or not?

"I really am. Everything is just complicated. Too fucking complicated."

"Why'd you leave?"

A frown. A worried brow.

"I had to find something out. Something from when I was with Joel, before Jackson."

"Did you find it?"

"Yeah."

"Is that why you and Cat broke up?"

Ellie sighs. "Kind of. She says she feels like I can't talk to her about stuff, that I should've talked to her instead of running away...or holding up in my house since I got back."

"Yeah, well, you've always been bad at talking." Dina smiles a little bit at prodding her friend.

"I know."

The tension lessens a little bit. Dina uncrosses her arms.

"I'm sorry for avoiding you when you were with Cat. I did feel a little jealous."

Ellie perks up a little bit at that, like she didn't actually expect it to be true. "How come?"

"I dunno. Maybe I felt like she was just using you for your body and not your mind." Dina winks, Ellie blushes.

"But really you two were making out like, all the time. It felt hard to get a word in. Like I said, love bubble."

"Yeah. I guess I'd never really experienced it for myself before. It's hard to see outside of it."

Dina smiles and pushes her friend's arm.

"Well, next time you get a girlfriend you'll know to poke holes in it so you can have some contact with the outside world."

"Pfft. If that'll even happen. No one's gay in Jackson. Meeting Cat was like finding a needle in a haystack."

"El, you're a catch. You'll find a girl, even if I have to drag you to meet every new lady straggler that comes through those walls."

Ellie's still blushing and smiles big. She has a small gap in her front teeth that Dina's never noticed before. A brightness in those green eyes, like the sunlight on the leaves of a tree. Dina feels soft and warm all over. A butterfly breaks out of a cocoon in her stomach.

* * *

Ellie never really goes in depth with why she left. She doesn't talk to or about Joel anymore. She spends most her free time with Dina, or Jesse, or Dina and Jesse when they're "on."

When Ellie shows up at Dina's place with her sunlit eyes and a new DVD to watch, her and Jesse are "off." And Dina feels a few more butterflies coming out as Ellie hugs her long and tight.

"I'll beat him up for ya, if you want."

"Come on El. You'd put him in the clinic for a week."

The movie's some weird thing about lesbian aliens. If Cat did one thing, it was influence Ellie's taste in movies. Where'd she even find this?

They sit on the couch together, not really touching but not a mile away either. Ellie leans a little too far when she stretches and bumps Dina's face. The ensuing retaliation and play fight ends with them tangled together on the couch. Dina can feel Ellie's chest on her's, legs intertwined. There's an ache, a pulse, a butterfly stuck somewhere between her legs that's usually there when Jesse did this thing when they made out. Ellie seems frozen. They don't move for a while.

Ellie doesn't sleep over like she normally would. She's quiet and monosyllabic. She leaves without a hug. Dina hurts and sparks with realization.

Shit, dude.

She likes Ellie.

 _Like likes_ her.

She doesn't get a lot of sleep with that. She's not freaking out, no no no. It's fine to have feelings for...your best friend.

Your girl best friend.

Who is a lesbian.

A bomb drops in the middle of her chest. What does she do now?

* * *

She snags a tape from Eugene when he wasn't paying attention. It said something about lesbians.

But it was porn.

The women splayed out, their naked bodies fill the screen. Their moans sound too fake, but it turns her on a little bit.

Not as much as the other night with Ellie just laying on top of her, though.

Dina sighs. She's got a lot to think about. It doesn't fucking matter that she likes girls too. Whoopee, another new thing to learn about herself. But liking _Ellie_?

Getting turned on by _Ellie_?

No way. She can't cross that line. They're best friends. They just got back to good.

She's not going to fucking ruin it by masturbating to thoughts of her freckled cheeks, blushing and sweet. Her forest eyes, the feeling of her chest on her and swearing she could feel a small hard bump through her shirt...

No. She's not doing this.

She keeps the tape, sometimes it works out for her when she isn't with Jesse. But pretty soon the whole concept of sex makes her ache. She feels like she's buzzing any time she's within feet of Ellie. She doesn't touch herself or let Jesse touch her for a while. They break up again.

* * *

Every little goddamn thing Ellie does is so cute. Even her finger fiddling thing when she's nervous.

Though, Dina's trying to not look at her fingers.

She goes out of her way to tease her friend nowadays. She lives for that blush, her shyness. Ellie's gotten so bold since they met, sarcastic and cynical. It's nice to bring out the Ellie who's quiet for long stretches of time while she tries to think of what to say, so caring and thoughtful. She loves all of the Ellies, but that one's her favorite.

Love is a word that starts to ring around her a lot.

Dina loves it when Ellie's so focused on drawing the stable horses in her journal, loves it when she cracks her knuckles before she eats, loves it when she talks a mile a minute about what happened on patrol, even loves it when she cries because of the drama happening in her comic books.

Spring's in full swing, and Ellie's birthday is coming up. Dina wants to do something. Make her feel special, like she's the most important girl in the world. 'Cause she is. But how do you even express that in material possessions?

She wants to give her a kiss for her birthday. That'd show her, right? But Dina doesn't feel like that's a good idea. She's single, yeah. But...she doesn't want to fuck things up with Ellie. What if she doesn't feel the same?

It comes to the day of and she has nothing. So she pesters Eugene for some weed, and she goes to Ellie's and smokes with her.

Ellie's happy and floaty. Dina cannot stop staring.

"What are you looking at?"

"Your freckles. I wanna count them all."

A blush. Always a blush.

"That'd take a lot of time."

"It'd be worth it."

Ellie gets shy and looks away, firing up her Playstation. Dina feels light.

Eugene passes the next week. Dina cries on Ellie's shoulder at his funeral.

* * *

"You wanna go to the lake?"

"Right fucking now? D, I'm kind of in the middle of work."

Ellie's shoveling shit out of the stables. Dignified work.

"After work. Come on. It's fucking hot. Jesse's taking care of his sick mom."

"Oh I see. You only want to hang out with me 'cause Jesse's busy."

Dina freezes, "I didn't mean it like that. Sorry. I just want to spend time with my bestie."

Ellie rolls her eyes, "Alright. Let me finish this and we'll go."

Surprisingly, there's no one there when they finally get to the shore. Of course, Ellie didn't just "finish this" and took until dusk to be done. Dina'd brought her over some dinner, feeling a flutter when that freckled face smiled at her in thanks.

"You ever been here at night?"

"Nope. Do you think it's okay to swim like this? Without light?"

"Oh come on, the moon's out. It's bright enough."

And with that, Dina starts stripping.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't want my clothes to get wet."

"D, it's not exactly safe to skinny dip. What if someone comes by?"

She's down to her underwear, feeling goosebumps all over her skin despite the humidity. She shivers when she looks over to see Ellie's tense eyes.

"Come on!" She can make Ellie's grumpy frown and furrowed brow out in the moonlight, taking her shoes off and shirt rather slowly. Dina hops in while Ellie's still getting undressed, splashing her a little bit.

"Hey! I thought the point of this was to _not_ get our clothes wet!"

"What? Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of the waves." Dina splashes water at Ellie, still standing half naked on the shore.

"Jesus Christ, Dina. Keep doing that. I'm not gonna come in. I'll turn back around and go home."

"Your apartment is a sweltering hellhole. Come on, El. The water's fine. I promise I'll be good." She gives Ellie the biggest eyes she can, like a teddy bear.

Ellie sighs, "Fine," and finishes with the last bit of clothing. Dina breathes. She doesn't want to gawk at her friend, but with her toned arms and hair on her legs and freckles _everywhere_...Ellie's a magnet again.

She goes to sleep that night with her hair still wet, remembering all the places Ellie had freckles.

* * *

It's been hard to keep subtle.

Her...crush? Infatuation? Feelings. Feelings for Ellie have gotten huge. Maybe too big for her to keep to herself. Ellie acts like she always does despite Dina's poking and prodding. The unabashed flirting is starting to hurt. She can't telepathically tell her. She doesn't want to make the first move. Ellie doesn't think of her that way. Why keep trying to move, even at a snail's pace? She gets back together with Jesse again. Why not.

She knocks on Ellie's door in November, but she's not there. The door's unlocked, though. Ellie's really bad about that, but Dina loves that about her too somehow. She goes in and sits in the desk chair, she wants to spook the girl good as payback for all of the shit she pulled around Halloween. But an hour passes and Ellie's still not there. And Dina's bored. So she rifles through some of Ellie's shit.

The usual comics, tapes, knick knacks.

A drawing of a horse. Callus. Not the name of any of the horses in town. Huh.

A torn and crumbled piece of paper tossed on the floor, missing the trash can by an inch. Scribbles marking up the back of it. Probably from Ellie's journal. Dina turns it over.

_I think I love her and I don't know what to do._

There's a small sketch of Dina's hamsa underneath.

Oh. _Oh_.

Dina rushes out of Ellie's house, knocking into the girl in question on her way out.

"What the fuck Dina?! The _fuck_ were you doing in there?"

"I was gonna scare you but then I remembered I had to water my plants."

"Okay?!"

"See ya, bye!"

She sprints back to her house and slams the door shut.

This is _happening_.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

She doesn't know if she wants to cry or squeal or both or just let her smile break her face in half.

No she needs her face whole.

Ellie likes her. _Loves_ her. All the aching and the longing feel so sweet now, weird that something that was so painful a few hours ago now made her feel like she could float. She runs around her small apartment with giddy energy. What was she gonna do?

She was gonna get her girl.

* * *

The break up with Jesse was the usual. She felt bad. She loved him, in her way. He gave her good feelings. But she wasn't _in_ love with him. Not like he probably was with her. Maybe if her plan worked out, he'd see why. Maybe he'd forgive her if he saw how much she loved Ellie.

She didn't want the awkwardness of a one on one, private meeting. Of course she and Ellie had plenty of those. But this was a different matter entirely. Dina needed energy to bounce off of, an ocean of people to float her hope and not just the dry dock of her sole heart. The winter dance had to be it. It wasn't just gonna be the usual group of Jackson teenagers, no close quarters with Cat or Jesse. Even so, there were too many people that were gonna be there for anyone to make a scene.

After finishing a rotation at the clinic, she scanned the main street for Ellie. She'd been on patrol earlier, should've been back by now. Her heart hopped up in her chest to help look too, for snow covered auburn hair and pink cold face covered in freckles. But Dina couldn't find her on the street. So she walked the familiar trek to her apartment.

The lights were on and the door locked, for once. She could see Ellie through the window sitting at her desk, drawing. She wondered what, maybe something from her patrol? Dina knocked on her window to get her attention, but Ellie had headphones in. Of course. It'd take a battering ram to get through to her.

So she waited. In the snow. For two hours for Ellie to wander out. She might've been close to getting frostbite on her nose.

"Oh shit. Dina, what are you doing here?"

"Hey, El. Yeah, I just wanted to drop by. Ask you if you were going to the dance tomorrow."

"Honestly I wasn't planning on it. I don't dance and there's nothing to do but get drunk. I got patrol the next morning anyway."

"Aw, c'mon. I want you to come. Please?"

Dina touches Ellie's arm, she's sure the girl is gonna short circuit on her own doorstep. It makes Dina smile, wide and full.

"Alright. I'll be there. I guess."

"I'll see you then, then." Dina winks and turns to walk away. Heart pounding, every part of her body tingling.


End file.
